If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
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