omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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