We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
