this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
we're so committed to being not committed
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
