Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
