I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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