All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
