How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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