There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
