I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
