Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
