so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
