Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Who put my cat in the fridge?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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