Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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