So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
