my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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