I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
she told me i tasted like america
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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