I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
