Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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