I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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