i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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