i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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