I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
