While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
