Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
