you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
