it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
