did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
