I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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