Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
