why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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