I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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