Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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