so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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