I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
