News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Randomize
