I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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