doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
