Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
