Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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