hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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