I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
