I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
why do cheetos always look like penises
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
