Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
