Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize