Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Your mouth is God's brothel.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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