Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
