I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize