have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I need moral support for this bender
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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