I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
