I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
