I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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