1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
