He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
