FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize