I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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